Funny Christmas Quotes

Christmas makes me happy no matter what time of year it comes around.
Bryan White

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
Dave Barry

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Johnny Carson

Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip.
Gary Allan

Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log.
Ellen DeGeneres

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
Jerry Seinfeld

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
Bernard Manning

Handmade presents are scary because they reveal that you have too much free time.
Doug Coupland

There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas.
Robert Lynd

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
Shirley Temple

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller

Pets, like their owners, tend to expand a little over the Christmas period.
Frances Wright

If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.
Bob Hope

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Jay Leno

Our children await Christmas presents like politicians getting in election returns: there's the Uncle Fred precinct and the Aunt Ruth district still to come in.
Marcelene Cox

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
Henny Youngman

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
Garrison Keillor

I love giving gifts and I love receiving them. I really like giving little kids extravagant gifts. You see their little faces light up and they get excited. If it's a really good gift, I love receiving it, like jewels, small islands.
Gina Gershon

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Erma Bombeck