Funny Quotes

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Bob Hope

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.
Kevin Nealon

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Yogi Berra

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Bill Cosby

All men are equal before fish.
Herbert Hoover

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Hedy Lamarr

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
Tracey Ullman

Be obscure clearly.
E. B. White

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
P. J. O'Rourke

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim Carrey