Steven Wright Quotes

Steven Wright Biography
Type: Comedian
Nationality: American
Born: December 6, 1955

Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American comedian, actor and writer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes and one-liners with contrived situations.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright

At one point he decided enough was enough.
Steven Wright

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Steven Wright

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Steven Wright

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Steven Wright

Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright

How young can you die of old age?
Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Steven Wright

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Steven Wright