Funny Christmas Quotes

The one thing women don''t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.
Joan Rivers

From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.
Katharine Whitehorn

You know you''re getting old, when Santa starts looking younger.
Robert Paul

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
Bernard Manning

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.
Shirley Temple

Even before Christmas has said Hello, it''s saying ''Buy Buy''
Robert Paul

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don''t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
- Phyllis Diller

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn''t for any religious reasons. They couldn''t find three wise men and a virgin.
Jay Leno

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Johnny Carson

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
Johnny Carson

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.
Larry Wilde

Don''t expect too much of Christmas Day. You can''t crowd into it any arrears of unselfishness and kindliness that may have accrued during the past twelve months.
Oren Arnold

Christmas is a time when you get homesick - even when you''re home.
Carol Nelson

He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.
Roy L. Smith

People can't concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty-fifth of December.
Ogden Nash

Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it. Richard Lamm